March 11, 2008

Every individual has gone through a episode in life, which makes them shiver with pain and numbness. For me, March 11 never cease me to make me curse myself, for not being able to see my beloved brother for the last time.

While I was busy preparing for my last semester examinations in Bangalore in 2008. My dearest brother was struggling with his share of demons. God knows what made to take such an extreme step by indulging in substance abuse. But one thing I know for sure was, he was going through worst time of his life. I was unaware of the happenings in his life. I was carefree, without a care, enjoying my as a student studying abroad.

My parents and relatives thought it might hamper my performance in last semester examinations, if they informed me about his sudden and unexpected death. I am the most unfortunate sister in the world. I never got to see my dearest brother for the last time. He left me without letting me say goodbye to me. My family members, relatives and his friends at least got the opportunity to see him for the last time before they buried him. Life is not fair!

When I returned to Bhutan, after completion of my degree, my eyes search for him as he used to always pick me up from station. I must say, I was quite disappointed to see my youngest brother waiting for me. As we moved towards home, I asked my youngest brother, 'Why didn't Acho come to pick me up?' He simply changed the topic and said, 'we will talk later at home.' I knew instantly something wasn't right. My attention was diverted to beautiful scenery as I was happy to be home after a year but at the same time, I felt very uneasy as if something got struck in my windpipe. I felt suffocated with feelings of uneasiness and unpleasantness. As soon as we reached home, I asked my dad whereabouts of my brother. For the first time, I saw my dad shedding silent tears. I went numb in that instant. My dad is a kind of man, who never display unpleasant emotions in front of others. Then my mom came out of her mom and said, 'Your Acho left us' and cried like a lil' baby. I couldn't clearly remember what happened next but I do remember the sharp pain I felt when I heard the news. I feel the same pain whenever I see my parents, siblings, especially my youngest brother as he resemble my late brother, and close friends of my late brother. It took almost half an hour to absorb the news of his demise. Then I ran outside and ran till I reach a spot, where I could cry my emotions out. I needed to be out of my house and out of my parent's sight. At that point of time, I was terribly angry with my parents, siblings, relatives for keeping me out of this as nobody has a right to snatch away my last time with him. I guess, a part of me, will never forgive them for what they did to me. I was deprived of the most treasured moment with the one whom I will never see again.


 How I wish if I were by his side when he was alive. He was very close to me. We were the coolest siblings and shared an amazingly strong bond. There wasn't thing which we do together. He is the only man in the world, who will shamelessly go for my lingerie shopping. 

Time and again, he visits me in my dream. Every time when I see him in my dream, I think he comes to apologize for not saying good bye to me, as I am the only one whom he visits in dream. I inquired my parents and siblings whether they dream of him. They said they rarely dream of him. Whenever big things, be it good or bad, happens in my life, I dream of him. When I am down, I see him in my dreams. I believe he is watching over me. I cherish every moment that I spend with him in my dreams.

I miss you Acho. With lots of love. Cheychey.